My First – 3rd March 2010

The events of this particular morning, 11 years ago today, are still painful to conjure. I remember the entire morning and early afternoon in my head as if it happened a couple of hours ago. I had begun the practice of recording all my daily expenses to track my spending. So the night before, I wrote down the expenses in my book and put the book on my bedside table then settled into bed with my then husband  to watch a movie. For the life of me, I cannot remember what movie we watched. I was around 10-12 weeks pregnant at the time, my first pregnancy and everything was going on well.

Next morning, 3rd March 2010, I wake up and my side of the bed is soaked with blood. I am shook! I do not know what to do or what is happening. I get out of the bed and we are now in panic mode. Blood is not a good thing when you are pregnant. Having a bed that is soaking in blood is baaaaad. So we call my doctor and she says that sounds like a miscarriage. I am trying to process everything all at once. I am scared and at the same time the pain has kicked in. Doctor guides us to get some medicine and my then husband goes to get the medicine. At this point the pain is debilitating, I am literally writhing on the floor. I am screaming in silence, holding my stomach, groaning and bleeding. Doctor says, the miscarriage is on and I just need to let it through.

My mind is numb. I am now just going through the motions. I get the pills and take them. Doctor says sit on the toilet and let it out. I sit on the toilet and I feel life flowing out of me. The blood is so much. As soon as the life of my baby leaves my body the pain stops. I flush the toilet and go back to bed.

. . .

To date I am still processing that morning.

What really happened?
Did I literally flush my baby down the toilet?
Why did the doctor ask me to sit on the toilet seat?
How better would I have honored the life of my child?

. . .

Later I go in for check up and Doctor clears me not to go for a DNC. Thank God! Went through it after my second miscarriage, it scarred me for life.

. . .

Since then I have spoken with many, many women who have gone through miscarriage’s.
Listened to their horror stories and just sat with them.
Those who bled life out on the way home.
Those who bled life out in the bathroom.
Those who bled life out in the toilet.
Those who bled life out in a basin.
Those who bled life out in bed.
Those who bled life out and did even know it until later.

Learnt that their is no formula to child and pregnancy loss.
Learnt that miscarriages are messy.
Learnt to be kind to myself and therefore with others.
Learnt to be gracious with myself and therefore with others.
Learnt to sit in grief.
Learnt to live with grief.

. . .

Continue resting in peace my Baby.
You were my first.
I hold in my body the fact that you were here.
I remember you.
I mourn you.
I grieve you.
See you in eternity.

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