Today the 15th of October is PAILRD2018 -Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Who am I?

My name is Joyce Mwangi. I am a TEACHER. I TEACH VALUES.

I Teach Values as:

1. An Author – One published book and several unpublished manuscripts
2. A Mentor
3. A Blogger
4. A Speaker
5. A SAHM – To my three living children

I am a mother of five precious children. My first two, Baby and Thayu Kiheo are with the Lord; I lost them through miscarriages at 10 and 20 weeks respectively. My last three are with me.

My Comfort Story

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all console, who consoles us in ALL our afflictions, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the same consolation which we ourselves are consoled by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

After the loss of my second child, my son Thayu Kiheo, I almost lost it. And maybe I actually did. I was devastated. My body was physically bearing the marks of carrying a baby for 20 weeks, striving to keep that baby alive through medication most of it injectables and still losing that child.

My mind was on a whirlwind. So many thoughts were working there way in there. Blaming myself. Blaming the hospital. Blaming the doctors. Denial. Denial. Pain. Pain. I was devastated.

I remember this one day my husband and I were driving on a steepy road and talking out loud about how God is a sadist. How God loves to see people suffer and in pain. How God derives pleasure in seeing humanity suffer. I was angry. We were both angry.

As I prayed in the days after the loss of my child, I questioned God. I questioned His love for me. I questioned His power; honestly if He was as powerful as He claimed to be, could He not have saved the life of my son. Could He not have stopped the premature labour. He could have, unless He was not as powerful as He claimed to be.

Did God even understand what I was going through. How could He? He had never experienced child loss.

And God comforted me, He consoled me by reminding me of the cross. Because on that cross He shared my pain, He lost His Son even though momentarily. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks. It changed my life. It lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders, it melted my hitherto heavy heart. God knew my pain. God understood my pain. God had felt my pain.

That moment was life changing for me in my grief journey. It changed how I grief my two children and recently my Grandmother, My dear friend Willy and my precious Aunt Elizabeth. God knows what it is like to lose a loved one.

And Jesus while on earth lost his beloved friend Lazarus to death. He wept. He knows that pain.

It is with that same comfort that same consolation that I received in my hour of need, I reach out to Mothers around me. I extend a hug and silence. I extend kindness and a listening ear. Because I have been there, I have walked that dark road and came out sane. Only because God carried me through, He still does. Never once did I ever walk alone, never once.

How do I honor my children?

1. I talk about them. 

Most importantly I say their names. Baby and Thayu Kiheo.

2. I Break the silence

I use introductions to do this. When I introduce myself I say that I have five children; two are with the Lord and three are with me. This makes people ask questions verbally or with their faces, so I go ahead and talk about pregnancy and infant loss.

3. I consciously deal with my grief journey.

The loss of my children does not define me but it influences me; alot. It is part of who I am, who I will always be this side of eternity. So I have embraced this journey with its ups and down, high moments and low moments.