A year before my little bundle of joy was born, I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. To say it was devastating is an understatement. I remember screaming as the doctor told me those unforgettable words: there is no heartbeat. I went through the induction, delivery and subsequent D&C procedures like a zombie.
October is a special month for me, for the reason that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have suffered the loss of two babies through miscarriages. What is unfortunate and what keeps me spreading awareness about pregnancy and infant loss is that to date I still suffer from shaming, silencing and all types of remarks mostly which revolve around ‘attention seeking. It is quite sad to see and hear debilitating stories of women who have gone through pregnancy and infant loss and the kind of treatment, especially in words (both written and spoken) that is levelled against their legitimate loss and pain.
Pregnancy is a hard journey. Science is still discovering all the effects pregnancy has on a woman’s overall health (mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually) both short and long term. Now compound those effects with a miscarriage or an infant loss. It really spirals to catastrophic lengths for me.
One of the reasons I actively participate in spreading awareness on pregnancy and infant loss awareness during the month of October as well as consciously talk about my experiences of child loss through miscarriages is that knowledge is power.
When I had my first miscarriage in March of 2010, I was lost. I felt alone. I was confused. I was overwhelmed. I really longed for answers, for conversations with kindred spirit but most were silent. Then I read a blog post by Becky Thompson and for the first time I had someone who had vocalised my worst pain. When Wanjiru Kihusa went ahead to share her story and begin Still A Mum, I felt so validated in all the emotions I had been going through. To hear stories of other women and be in a safe space where I did not feel ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ or ‘something is wrong with me’. Meeting and getting to know Vivian Gaiko and the work she does with Empower Mama was so refreshing. It was such a healing moment to meet women like me, black women, Kenyan women, who shared my pain and my story; who understood my journey.
I realized then and even now that for many women going through pregnancy and infant loss, seclusion is the worst thing that can happen to you. Being along in your pain, unable to process it, put it into words, being misunderstood and sidelined, being hushed only adds salt to an open wound. That is why I write about my pain, my story and speak about it as well.
This morning I woke up to a retweet by Njoki Ngumi which had a trigger warning of a thread by Prof. Kate Antonova on miscarriage and all the complexity that is that word. I was not able to read past the first few tweets mostly because it was a description to the T of both my miscarriage experiences. It is a great awareness description of what really happens before, during and after a miscarriage, I encourage you to read it if you can.
I am convinced that if more women knew about pregnancy and infant loss, it would really ease all the pain that comes with this horrible experience. When I look back on both my miscarriage losses, knowing what I know now, I feel that things would definitely have been different. To know is to possess the power to make informed decisions and to grieve with awareness.
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Shout out to my gynae of the last decade and counting. A woman who has cared and continues to care for my reproductive wellbeing. Me and mine are forever indebted to you Dr. Angela Chekoko Muliro. God eternally bless you for us.
Today the 15th of October is PAILRD2018 -Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
A couple of years ago, my husband and I attended a Parenting Class by the legendary Dr. Stanley Mukolwe. At the time we were pregnant with our second child and were excited and eager to learn everything we could on how to raise them up well. Unfortunately while still undertaking the Parenting Class we lost our son Thayu Kiheo through a miscarriage. We however decided to continue with the class to completion.
During this class we learnt maaany things from how our upbringing greatly influences our parenting to disciplining the children. One word from my encounter with Dr. Mukolwe however has been seared into my mind and I always refer to it in my parenting : EXTRAPOLATE
A few months ago we lost an angel in our ‘family’. I say family in quotes because this family is one though we are not related by blood has become more than blood family to me, to us. You know those people you meet and something happens, a connection that you cannot explain that binds you for life – yes – that is my ‘family’. There was a meme doing rounds a few moons back that said if you have been my friend for more than five years, you’re my cousin – you are officially my family. During the mourning period lots of words meant to comfort I presume were being said left right and center. But I felt most of these were not helpful at all, took me back to my loss of children and it would seem some of these phrases are standard – sadly so ???
As happens when a loved one, a friend, a colleague, a parishioner or a neighbor has lost life appropriate words are not easy to come by. Many people feel the urge to break the silence and in so doing end up saying such injurious things to the bereaved that it would have been better if they kept quiet. There is something in us humans that deceives us that we are only consoling the bereaved when we are talking: that was me until I was on the receiving end of such talk. I learnt the hard way, silence is golden!
Here are the 7 things to never tell a grieving parent.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, 4 who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
A couple of years ago (2011) I had my second miscarriage. To say that I was devastated is an understatement: I was a wreck, emotionally and physically. I had fought so hard to keep that baby and still lost. Walked in the hospital pregnant, left unpregnant (is that even an English word) and without a child ???
When I was young I always wanted to be a part of the Kenya judicial system. I will not get into the real reasons for this desire, but I will say this, the fact that I like expressing myself was among the least of them. As time went by, this desire evolved from wanting to become the first female chief justice in Kenya to settling on being a lawyer (nothing bad about being a lawyer ?).
To date some of my family members and close friends still refer to me as chief justice or lawyer. One of the people who fondly called me lawyer was my late grandmother Sarah Wanjiku: she had actually saved my phone number under that name, may she continue to rest in peace.
So, after my not very successful performance at the end of primary school I realized that I could not be a judge leave alone be the first female chief justice in Kenya. I began to pursue law as a career option and so in high school history become my favourite subject. English and Christian Education also featured prominently. However, blame it on the foolishness of youth, I did not perform as expected in the final high school exams and so did not qualify for public university. I paid dearly for my foolishness, spent the next five years of my life ‘slaving away’ at home and feeling very miserable about it.
On 28th November 2011, I went under the knife to remove the numerous fibroids in my uterus that had caused me two painful miscarriages and endless visits to the doctor. It had been a journey of 10 solid months to convince me to finally undergo the myomectomy: Or should I be more honest and say it was actually 2 years into marriage without children and growing pressure from all around.
This was the statement that was to change the course of my reproductive health forever.
I had met my dear friend and gynecologist of 8 years now a few months before this statement was made. The reason being I was planning to get married and needed reproductive health advice. Like many millennial couples my soon to be husband and I wanted to delay getting children until maybe a year into the marriage (This statement/idea/way of thinking makes me see the presumptuousness of human beings! You would think we were in charge, in control and able to give ourselves children!).
The year was 2009.
Father, I surrender to you this morning. Use me to speak to us. Teach us Father, encourage us, rebuke us, correct us and guide us in your way. In Jesus Name, Amen
This morning we have had four readings all tying up our topic for the day which is ‘Preaching the faith’
From these readings we will draw some lessons by asking ourselves four important questions on preaching the faith: